Julie Sondra Decker’s Official Site

Thanks for visiting! This is the website of Julie Sondra Decker, Author of Many Hats.

In the fiction world, Julie is known for her novels and short stories in various genres, including fantasy, speculative fiction, magical realism, science fiction, and realistic contemporary subjects. She writes in multiple categories (MG, YA, NA, and Adult), but most of her work is for adult audiences. Her nonfiction work includes essays,  articles, and long nonfiction on instructional writing topics and asexuality awareness.

Julie graduated from the University of Florida with a Bachelor’s in education, which she has never used (as she is better at pretending to be a small child than teaching them). In addition to being a writer, she has been a bookseller, an editor, an admin, and a Happy Pasta Girl.  She has written stories and poems since she found out what a book was. Julie is a webcomic artist, a singer, an aromantic asexual woman, a vegetarian, an eldest child, a compulsive cookie-baker, a vertically challenged adult, and definitely not your mother.

On this site, you will find information about Julie’s completed and in-progress projects, purchase links, advice on writing and publishing, latest news, biographical information, media and conference appearances, resources on asexuality and writing/publishing, and links to additional content like comics and videos.

[Please be aware that this site occasionally links to offsite content that may be pseudonymous and may not link back here.]

24 thoughts on “Julie Sondra Decker’s Official Site

  1. Hi Julie,

    I just read the Salon article interview with you about your book. I was very intrigued and I wanted some more information about asexuality. My best male friend identifies as gay, but has little to no sexual attraction to anyone. He and I will hold hands and cuddle occasionally, but it is more of comfort thing than sexual. He has had one sexual experience with a girl and did not like it. He has no desire to be even slightly physical with men either. He gets very uncomfortable when anyone brings up sex at all. We have talked about the prospect of him being asexual before, and he says he almost wishes he were. I don’t know what to do for him to help him figure out more about himself, and I was wondering if you had any suggestions or could point me in the right direction.

    Thank you,
    Courtney

    • Courtney, it’s possible he just has a complicated relationship with sex, but he also sounds like he could be in one of the gray areas–graysexual or demisexual, so who knows. I am not in the business of “diagnosing” (haha) people’s orientations, but there’s a huge spectrum of asexual experience and he may have some things in common with us. There are also forms of attraction that are not sexual–sensual, aesthetic, romantic, etc.–that some folks mistake for sexual because our society likes to pretend they’re all the same thing, but not everyone feels all of them. Some gay folks might pressure other gay folks who are sex-repulsed, sex-reluctant, or sex-indifferent, claiming the only reason they feel that way is internalized homophobia, but that’s not always true either. In the “extras” section of my site, there is an “Asexual Resources” page that you can refer him to if you like, but also I know a guy who identifies as gay gray-asexual and is in a relationship with a man–he may have some especially relevant insights for your friend. Please see posts by Siggy on the Asexual Agenda (http://asexualagenda.wordpress.com/) and on his personal site, Skeptic’s Play (http://skepticsplay.blogspot.com/)–he has an lgbta tag.

  2. I’m 61, male, married 27 years (second time). I’ve had no sex or any other physical intimacy for eleven years. My wife told me one day she didn’t like sex and never wanted it again. Or any spooning or hugging. It wasn’t surprising. Just seemed like that’s where we were headed anyway. We had lots of loving sex for about 10 years. She then split time between both coasts for the next 20 years. Halfway through those years, I began a battle with a terminal illness. It nearly killed me recently but I woke up on the bright side of the street with unbridled enthusiasm and a genuine “natural high.” Every day I gain physical strength and flexibility, along with mental and emotional clarity. I don’t know how long this honeymoon will last, but reading about asexuality has perked my interest as I prepare for the final years. I had planned to tell my counselor tomorrow that I have resolved myself to a celibate lifestyle. I’m totally happy with my life. I’m torn, though, about the love and friendship aspects and the fact I have been deeply in love with two men; one with sex, the other without. For women, the number with sex was staggering until my early 30’s. After that, I convinced myself I needed love to make sex work. I headed toward meaningless sex on may occasions during the second half of my life but always backed off. Tomorrow, I ask my counselor what she thinks about asexuality. I have the book in my Amazon shopping cart.

    • Thanks very much for sharing your experience and checking out the book. People come to identify as asexual by a variety of paths and for a number of reasons, and I think the most important thing is listening and respecting rather than finding reasons to condemn and dismiss. You’re doing a wonderful thing here. I wish you the best on all of your journeys. :)

  3. Hi Julie, as a father of 5 children in my mid-40s, one might least expect me to “turn asexual”, especially myself, after decades of sexual activity, which I actively sought and enjoyed.

    However, in the last solid 3 years, I have realized that sex is not in my mind, it’s like a switch was turned on (or off) genetically, and I have zero interest in sex. I’m still “macho”, work out, feel hormones are ok (they were last time I checked), and know that none of this has to do with bored marriage life, being tired, or raising kids–because I used to have a sex drive despite everything around me. I recognize that humans with sex drives will have sex anywhere and under any circumstances frankly, so it’s not middle age or married life.

    I simply have moved on, to other things. As I continue to be a father (kids ages 4 to 18), and work out, get my masters and follow my religion, I simply have no care in the world for sex, with my wife or anyone. (She seems asexual too, and it works for us).

    Thank you for pointing out that people can be sexual at one point in their lives, then asexual. I have no idea if I will return to “sexuality”, but true to being asexual, it doesn’t matter to me at all. I feel liberated and happy to be who I am. I don’t shame sex, my past sexual activity, or anyone’s interest in sex, but I will say, I believe, culturally, asexuality has lifted a lot of burden off me (emotionally, physically, time-management). Even for a married guy. It’s one less thing to deal with (miscommunication, timing, pleasing her, etc).

    Anyhow…thanks and know their are many of us out there. To other men reading this, even those who are married, with kids, you are not alone. And you are not “weird”, just another minority of all the diversity on earth.

    • Glad to hear from you–and I’m sure some other men in a similar situation who might feel emasculated or confused about feeling that way will appreciate your perspective! Good on you for not trying to force yourself to pursue something just because society tells you it’s part of being a man!

    • Hey,

      I know another couple like you, they’re both in their early 30’s but met each other on AVEN (the primary website for asexual people with many message boards..) and then married. Both have a very happy loving, spiritual marriage and have sex on occassion but identify as asexual. I think they mainly have sex because of the cited physical and emotional benefits of it (hormones, serotonin release, etc.) but they don’t crave it. They don’t hate it but don’t need or love it either.

      I myself had the opposite happen to you.. I just turned 30, and up until I was 28, I never really had any interest in sex or a sex drive. This was really tough for me because an attractive girl in her 20s is SUPPOSED to want sex, and be sexual and I suffered honestly a lot of psychological issues as a result of this… I forced myself to have sex with people just to experience it, so I wouldn’t feel so “abnormal” and weird, but I lost my virginity at a late age. There’s other things that may complicate the story (I had a lot of fears/anxieties about sex despite not being raped) so that played into it. But basically in my first long-term relationship I craved sex a LOT and realized I was demisexual/grey-A… I only crave sex when I’m dating someone. But it’s really rare I will experience sexual attraction to someone as well, although I think now that I’ve gained confidence and my anxieties have gone away, it’s perhaps a bit less rare. That said, I’ve rarely had a desire to masturbate in my life, so that hasn’t changed lol…

      Sorry if this is TMI, just wanted to tell my story too I suppose :) Hope this was helpful to you. I personally don’t see it as problematic — it’s only if your wife starts to want sex again that it could be. Also question if this is reflective of anything that has changed in the relationship itself.

  4. Hi Julie, I’m 19 years old and ever since i started high school and now left after graduating last year. i was in two relationships, one didn’t last long but my second went for 2 years and half while dating this girl, i didn’t have any sexual attraction to her, only romantic ones and she’d keep on pressuring me to try sex but it was something i wasn’t interested in and we argue about me not being interested sexually and now aren’t together anymore. My friends reckon I’m gay for not having sex but after reading your interview with salon do u reckon I’m asexual because when ever my friends asks me if i had sex yet and say no then they joke but i don’t find it funny.

    So in that sense how could i cope with this if I’m asexual?

    Jarrad

    • It’s definitely possible you’re asexual, and dealing with friends harassing you for it is never easy. I don’t know if you’re willing to disclose being asexual, but you could tell them it’s a real thing and if they start shaming you or joking about it you can act surprised that they’re so ignorant and tell them to do some responsible research because seriously, 1 in 100 people is asexual, they should be respectful about it because they’re going to meet us sometimes. But if you’re not comfortable telling them you’re asexual or you’re not sure you are, you might prefer to just say something like “I’ve never been into someone that way and I’m fine with that for now, it has nothing to do with me if you’re obsessed with labeling people gay,” or something like that. For the record, “No, you’re probably just gay” is the third most common thing I hear, only behind “you must have just gotten out of a bad relationship” and “you just haven’t met the right person.” There are more videos about handling detractors and dealing with disclosing asexual identity on my YouTube channel (in the “extras” section under “resources” if you want to see them).

    • It’s also good to keep in mind that sexuality is a very fluid thing… I was asexual or maybe demisexual up until I was 28, never really craved sex with any of the guys I dated (which was rare in itself since I wasn’t physically attracted to many guys, unfortunately.) I really put myself down for this, and this was a few years ago when there weren’t as many resources on asexuality as there is now… I had no idea and blamed myself for not being able to find a partner. Finally, at 28 ,I did start to crave sex when I was in a relationship with someone and even had more of a sex drive than him! I think having so many anxieties about sex at an early age really prevented me from wanting to enjoy it. I lost my v-card at a later age too (mid-20s) and didn’t enjoy it…

      Anyway, now I do crave sex/have a normal sex drive and am 30. So things can change. That said, I still don’t totally identify as ‘sexual’ because I don’t really crave sex unless I’m with someone (i.e. I never masturbate). I’m ‘demisexual or grey-A’ in asexual terminology. It’s comforting for me to know I can have a normal sex drive in relationships but there’s still some issues I experience. For you, I would just recommend being honest with your partner and say it’s not a reflection of them.. you’ve always been like this and just don’t really crave sex that much (or at all.)

  5. Thank you for the article on asexuality! I’m 27, and though I tried to “date” in high school, I wasn’t interested in sex. I, too, am glad to be the unmarried aunt to my niece, and it’s just so great to see more positive material out there so others can see that it’s ok to be one’s self. That asexuals aren’t broken. That we can have complex and sophisticated relationships with or without sex. So thank you, thank you, thank you!

    • That’s wonderful to hear. Sounds like we have a lot in common except I’m the aunt to a nephew. :) I’ve written a lot of stuff about valid and fulfilling lifestyles and relationships in my asexuality book that recently came out, too. People seem to have a hard time getting their heads around the idea that we’re not necessarily sad and lonely.

    • It’s also good to keep in mind that sexuality is a very fluid thing… I was asexual or maybe demisexual up until I was 28, never really craved sex with any of the guys I dated (which was rare in itself since I wasn’t physically attracted to many guys, unfortunately.) I really put myself down for this, and this was a few years ago when there weren’t as many resources on asexuality as there is now… I had no idea and blamed myself for not being able to find a partner. Finally, at 28 ,I did start to crave sex when I was in a relationship with someone and even had more of a sex drive than him! I think having so many anxieties about sex at an early age really prevented me from wanting to enjoy it. I lost my v-card at a later age too (mid-20s) and didn’t enjoy it…

      Anyway, now I do crave sex/have a normal sex drive and am 30. So things can change. That said, I still don’t totally identify as ‘sexual’ because I don’t really crave sex unless I’m with someone (i.e. I never masturbate). I’m ‘demisexual or grey-A’ in asexual terminology. It’s comforting for me to know I can have a normal sex drive in relationships but there’s still some issues I experience. For you, I would just recommend being honest with your partner and say it’s not a reflection of them.. you’ve always been like this and just don’t really crave sex that much (or at all.)

  6. Hi Julie, I’m 14 years old and I was just trying to find some answers on how I’ve been feeling and I stumbled upon your article on salon. I know I’m young but I related so well to it on pretty much everything on there. I want to tell my friends on how I’m feeling but I’m afraid that they won’t understand, especially because I have never acted like I’m asexual to keep with the norm. How would I tell my friends on how I’m feeling and what do I do if they don’t understand?

  7. Namaste Julie.i am going to write a self help book and i like to get it published by a good publishing company. ..its my passion.but i dont know even the basics of how book publishing works.can you plz help me by providing your valuable suggestions.
    In gratitude
    RISHI

    • Any work you submit to publishers will need to have better editing than this comment, first of all (more than a dozen errors in one short comment suggests you might have a long way to go with cleaning up the language in your final product), but if your book is polished, you might find a good overview of how to approach mainstream publishing at the video I made here.

  8. HELLO JULIE! MY NAME IS SEBASTIÁN SIDERIS, I AM FROM ARGENTINA BUYENOS AIRES. SORRY FOR MY BAD ENGLISH. WHEN I WAS CHILD I DIDN´T FELL ANY SEXUAL ATTRACTION OR I HAD A LITTLE INTERESTIC FOR SEXUAL ACT. THROUGH THE YEARS I SEARCH IN GOOGLES ASEXUAL AND I DISCOVER MANY PEOPLE LIKE ME. I AM VERY PROUD OF MY ASEXUALITY, FOR ME IS LIKE BE AN ANGEL. MY PARENTS FOOL ME WHEN I SAID THA T I WAS ASEXUAL. I THINK THAT IN 100 YERAS LATER ASEXUALITY WILL BE MOST AND MOST DOMINANT

  9. Dear Julie,

    I just found your article on everydayfeminism.com and I am already a fan. I don’t know if I’ll find your book in India, but am looking around.

    I am 20 years old and identify as an asexual gray-romantic female. I had a couple of questions, and I’d be highly obliged if you revert:

    -Is the divide between romance and sex, in your opinion, an artificial, arbitrary one? As in, can sex and romance intersect seamlessly?

    – I have experienced attraction to men/ boys. The problem though is that I have never envisaged a sexual future with them, nor even the quintessential ideas of hetero-normative romance. Perhaps I seek friendly companionship, but I have imagined people as ‘partners’, a term I am yet to unpack. I feel highly confused.

    -I have never masturbated. I don’t think I am aware of the anatomy of my vagina either, like the clitoris, and erogenous zones, apart from the academic stuff that my mother (a gynaecologist) seems to be talking about. I’d like to know your thoughts on asexuals and masturbation, given the fact that asexuality is a variegated landscape itself.

    -How important is the inclusion of asexuality in the ‘queer’/ LGBTQIAP+ collective? Is the experience of ‘coming out’ or being gender non-conforming crucial to the asexual experience? I ask this because as a woman who is most likely gray (hetero) romantic (though I don’t believe in the rigidity of gender binaries), I recognize that politico-sexually, I have more privilege than say, a trans-person. I refrain from using the term ‘queer’, for the simple reason that I don’t feel like that my (a)sexual lived experience is worthy of the reclamative power of the term. I have never been marginalized/ ridiculed in the way that my queer (homosexual and homoromantic) friends have been.

    -Most importantly, I’d like to thank you for recovering asexuality from its invisibility, it gives young people like me a lot of hope. Warm regards and than you!

    • Thanks for checking out my work and I’m glad you enjoyed it. The book might be easier to find in eBook if finding a physical copy is difficult for you. Your questions:

      I think some people consider sex and sexual attraction part of how they tell whether they’re romantically attracted to someone, and that for other people, it’s not related at all. I think it’s highly individual.

      Your attraction to men/boys doesn’t have to be a romantic one. There are other forms of attraction, like aesthetic and friendly and sensual, and if you want a partner but you don’t feel like your partnership would ideally include sexual or romantic attraction, perhaps what you would prefer is a queerplatonic partner. We talk about that sometimes in aromantic-spectrum circles.

      Asexual people and masturbation: some do, some don’t, and I don’t think it’s particularly weird not to masturbate–there are plenty of non-asexual people who don’t. Some people will attack us over this if we don’t desire sex AND we don’t masturbate, but they’re just holding us to standards they don’t apply to other people so they can assign us a disorder because that makes more sense to them than trying to imagine what our lives are like.

      On queerness: I have on occasion identified as queer, and though I think it is VERY important to acknowledge others’ suffering, I don’t like the idea that queer identity depends entirely on who hates you and how they express their hatred. I think it’s a common misconception that only LGBT people can experience prejudice and discrimination because of their sexual orientation or gender identity, though it’s good for people with more privilege to recognize it and not use it to talk over or oppress others. The root of the problems asexual people and LGBT people experience is all about heteronormativity. We don’t necessarily suffer because we’re gay, but because we’re not straight. If someone else’s standard of being queer is that you’ve been harassed for your identity and had “queer” used at you as a slur, then yes, I have, but I find that when I say so, these folks who have a lot in common with me sometimes still deny that it could have happened. They do need to listen to us and we need to listen to them. LGBT spaces are uniquely qualified to understand problems that develop from not being straight. I think we are natural allies even in the places we don’t overlap.

      Thanks for the message.

      -Most importantly, I’d like to thank you for recovering asexuality from its invisibility, it gives young people like me a lot of hope. Warm regards and than you!

  10. Hi! I just read your article about asexuality. I haven’t ever felt sexually attracted to anyone, so I thought there was something really wrong with me. I’ve had several relationships and both have ended in frustration because I couldn’t force myself to feel anything. One year ago, I found myself in a relationship I didn’t want to be in (because I didn’t want people thinking there was something wrong with me) and he ended up taking advantage of me and raping me – because I didn’t want to have sex, ever, and he thought he could make me want it. If I ever had any desire whatsoever to have sex, that desire is nonexistent now. So not only do I not feel the need or desire to ever have sex, I think it’s bad and wrong now, too. Is this normal? Or should I seek help? Is it possible to make someone NOT asexual?

    Great article btw, and thanks :)

    • I’ve not heard about any options that can change someone’s sexual orientation, though you can and should pursue therapy if you feel it would help you with any problems you’re dealing with. So sorry to hear what happened to you–just goes to show you what compulsory sexuality will do in this society and why we need more messages about asexuality being okay. I believe it’s pretty normal to feel like sex is disgusting when it resulted in a terrible experience for you, and you don’t have to change how you feel about it, though being supportive of others’ consensual sexual experiences is usually a good idea, but you don’t need to feel any particular way about sex (for yourself) to be or become healthy and okay. I’m glad you liked the article but I don’t know which one you read. I’ve done quite a few!

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