Julie Sondra Decker’s Official Site

Thanks for visiting! This is the website of Julie Sondra Decker, Author of Many Hats.

In the fiction world, Julie is known for her novels and short stories in various genres, including fantasy, speculative fiction, magical realism, science fiction, and realistic contemporary subjects. She writes in multiple categories (MG, YA, NA, and Adult), but most of her work is for adult audiences. Her nonfiction work includes essays,  articles, and long nonfiction on instructional writing topics and asexuality awareness.

Julie graduated from the University of Florida with a Bachelor’s in education, which she has never used (as she is better at pretending to be a small child than teaching them). In addition to being a writer, she has been a bookseller, an editor, an admin, and a Happy Pasta Girl.  She has written stories and poems since she found out what a book was. Julie is a webcomic artist, a singer, an aromantic asexual woman, a vegetarian, an eldest child, a compulsive cookie-baker, a vertically challenged adult, and definitely not your mother.

On this site, you will find information about Julie’s completed and in-progress projects, purchase links, advice on writing and publishing, latest news, biographical information, media and conference appearances, resources on asexuality and writing/publishing, and links to additional content like comics and videos.

[Please be aware that this site occasionally links to offsite content that may be pseudonymous and may not link back here.]

14 thoughts on “Julie Sondra Decker’s Official Site

  1. Hi Julie,

    I just read the Salon article interview with you about your book. I was very intrigued and I wanted some more information about asexuality. My best male friend identifies as gay, but has little to no sexual attraction to anyone. He and I will hold hands and cuddle occasionally, but it is more of comfort thing than sexual. He has had one sexual experience with a girl and did not like it. He has no desire to be even slightly physical with men either. He gets very uncomfortable when anyone brings up sex at all. We have talked about the prospect of him being asexual before, and he says he almost wishes he were. I don’t know what to do for him to help him figure out more about himself, and I was wondering if you had any suggestions or could point me in the right direction.

    Thank you,

    • Courtney, it’s possible he just has a complicated relationship with sex, but he also sounds like he could be in one of the gray areas–graysexual or demisexual, so who knows. I am not in the business of “diagnosing” (haha) people’s orientations, but there’s a huge spectrum of asexual experience and he may have some things in common with us. There are also forms of attraction that are not sexual–sensual, aesthetic, romantic, etc.–that some folks mistake for sexual because our society likes to pretend they’re all the same thing, but not everyone feels all of them. Some gay folks might pressure other gay folks who are sex-repulsed, sex-reluctant, or sex-indifferent, claiming the only reason they feel that way is internalized homophobia, but that’s not always true either. In the “extras” section of my site, there is an “Asexual Resources” page that you can refer him to if you like, but also I know a guy who identifies as gay gray-asexual and is in a relationship with a man–he may have some especially relevant insights for your friend. Please see posts by Siggy on the Asexual Agenda (http://asexualagenda.wordpress.com/) and on his personal site, Skeptic’s Play (http://skepticsplay.blogspot.com/)–he has an lgbta tag.

  2. I’m 61, male, married 27 years (second time). I’ve had no sex or any other physical intimacy for eleven years. My wife told me one day she didn’t like sex and never wanted it again. Or any spooning or hugging. It wasn’t surprising. Just seemed like that’s where we were headed anyway. We had lots of loving sex for about 10 years. She then split time between both coasts for the next 20 years. Halfway through those years, I began a battle with a terminal illness. It nearly killed me recently but I woke up on the bright side of the street with unbridled enthusiasm and a genuine “natural high.” Every day I gain physical strength and flexibility, along with mental and emotional clarity. I don’t know how long this honeymoon will last, but reading about asexuality has perked my interest as I prepare for the final years. I had planned to tell my counselor tomorrow that I have resolved myself to a celibate lifestyle. I’m totally happy with my life. I’m torn, though, about the love and friendship aspects and the fact I have been deeply in love with two men; one with sex, the other without. For women, the number with sex was staggering until my early 30’s. After that, I convinced myself I needed love to make sex work. I headed toward meaningless sex on may occasions during the second half of my life but always backed off. Tomorrow, I ask my counselor what she thinks about asexuality. I have the book in my Amazon shopping cart.

    • Thanks very much for sharing your experience and checking out the book. People come to identify as asexual by a variety of paths and for a number of reasons, and I think the most important thing is listening and respecting rather than finding reasons to condemn and dismiss. You’re doing a wonderful thing here. I wish you the best on all of your journeys. :)

  3. Hi Julie, as a father of 5 children in my mid-40s, one might least expect me to “turn asexual”, especially myself, after decades of sexual activity, which I actively sought and enjoyed.

    However, in the last solid 3 years, I have realized that sex is not in my mind, it’s like a switch was turned on (or off) genetically, and I have zero interest in sex. I’m still “macho”, work out, feel hormones are ok (they were last time I checked), and know that none of this has to do with bored marriage life, being tired, or raising kids–because I used to have a sex drive despite everything around me. I recognize that humans with sex drives will have sex anywhere and under any circumstances frankly, so it’s not middle age or married life.

    I simply have moved on, to other things. As I continue to be a father (kids ages 4 to 18), and work out, get my masters and follow my religion, I simply have no care in the world for sex, with my wife or anyone. (She seems asexual too, and it works for us).

    Thank you for pointing out that people can be sexual at one point in their lives, then asexual. I have no idea if I will return to “sexuality”, but true to being asexual, it doesn’t matter to me at all. I feel liberated and happy to be who I am. I don’t shame sex, my past sexual activity, or anyone’s interest in sex, but I will say, I believe, culturally, asexuality has lifted a lot of burden off me (emotionally, physically, time-management). Even for a married guy. It’s one less thing to deal with (miscommunication, timing, pleasing her, etc).

    Anyhow…thanks and know their are many of us out there. To other men reading this, even those who are married, with kids, you are not alone. And you are not “weird”, just another minority of all the diversity on earth.

    • Glad to hear from you–and I’m sure some other men in a similar situation who might feel emasculated or confused about feeling that way will appreciate your perspective! Good on you for not trying to force yourself to pursue something just because society tells you it’s part of being a man!

  4. Hi Julie, I’m 19 years old and ever since i started high school and now left after graduating last year. i was in two relationships, one didn’t last long but my second went for 2 years and half while dating this girl, i didn’t have any sexual attraction to her, only romantic ones and she’d keep on pressuring me to try sex but it was something i wasn’t interested in and we argue about me not being interested sexually and now aren’t together anymore. My friends reckon I’m gay for not having sex but after reading your interview with salon do u reckon I’m asexual because when ever my friends asks me if i had sex yet and say no then they joke but i don’t find it funny.

    So in that sense how could i cope with this if I’m asexual?


    • It’s definitely possible you’re asexual, and dealing with friends harassing you for it is never easy. I don’t know if you’re willing to disclose being asexual, but you could tell them it’s a real thing and if they start shaming you or joking about it you can act surprised that they’re so ignorant and tell them to do some responsible research because seriously, 1 in 100 people is asexual, they should be respectful about it because they’re going to meet us sometimes. But if you’re not comfortable telling them you’re asexual or you’re not sure you are, you might prefer to just say something like “I’ve never been into someone that way and I’m fine with that for now, it has nothing to do with me if you’re obsessed with labeling people gay,” or something like that. For the record, “No, you’re probably just gay” is the third most common thing I hear, only behind “you must have just gotten out of a bad relationship” and “you just haven’t met the right person.” There are more videos about handling detractors and dealing with disclosing asexual identity on my YouTube channel (in the “extras” section under “resources” if you want to see them).

  5. Thank you for the article on asexuality! I’m 27, and though I tried to “date” in high school, I wasn’t interested in sex. I, too, am glad to be the unmarried aunt to my niece, and it’s just so great to see more positive material out there so others can see that it’s ok to be one’s self. That asexuals aren’t broken. That we can have complex and sophisticated relationships with or without sex. So thank you, thank you, thank you!

    • That’s wonderful to hear. Sounds like we have a lot in common except I’m the aunt to a nephew. :) I’ve written a lot of stuff about valid and fulfilling lifestyles and relationships in my asexuality book that recently came out, too. People seem to have a hard time getting their heads around the idea that we’re not necessarily sad and lonely.

  6. Hi Julie, I’m 14 years old and I was just trying to find some answers on how I’ve been feeling and I stumbled upon your article on salon. I know I’m young but I related so well to it on pretty much everything on there. I want to tell my friends on how I’m feeling but I’m afraid that they won’t understand, especially because I have never acted like I’m asexual to keep with the norm. How would I tell my friends on how I’m feeling and what do I do if they don’t understand?

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