Julie Sondra Decker’s Official Site

Thanks for visiting! This is the website of Julie Sondra Decker, Author of Many Hats.

Julie writes novels and short stories in various genres, including fantasy, speculative fiction, science fiction, and realistic contemporary subjects. She writes in multiple age categories (MG, YA, NA, and Adult), but most of her work is for adult audiences. Her nonfiction work includes essays,  articles, and long nonfiction on instructional writing topics and asexuality awareness.

Julie graduated from the University of Florida with a Bachelor’s in education, which she has never used (as she is better at pretending to be a small child than teaching them). In addition to being a writer, she has been a bookseller, an editor, an admin, and a Happy Pasta Girl.  She has written stories and poems since she found out what a book was. Julie is a webcomic artist, a singer, an aromantic asexual woman, a vegetarian, an eldest child, a compulsive cookie-baker, a vertically challenged adult, and definitely not your mother.

On this site, you will find information about Julie’s completed and in-progress projects, purchase links, advice on writing and publishing, latest news, biographical information, media and conference appearances, resources on asexuality and writing/publishing, and links to additional content like comics and videos.

[Please be aware that this site occasionally links to offsite content that may be pseudonymous and may not link back here.]

57 thoughts on “Julie Sondra Decker’s Official Site

  1. Hi Julie,

    I just read the Salon article interview with you about your book. I was very intrigued and I wanted some more information about asexuality. My best male friend identifies as gay, but has little to no sexual attraction to anyone. He and I will hold hands and cuddle occasionally, but it is more of comfort thing than sexual. He has had one sexual experience with a girl and did not like it. He has no desire to be even slightly physical with men either. He gets very uncomfortable when anyone brings up sex at all. We have talked about the prospect of him being asexual before, and he says he almost wishes he were. I don’t know what to do for him to help him figure out more about himself, and I was wondering if you had any suggestions or could point me in the right direction.

    Thank you,

    • Courtney, it’s possible he just has a complicated relationship with sex, but he also sounds like he could be in one of the gray areas–graysexual or demisexual, so who knows. I am not in the business of “diagnosing” (haha) people’s orientations, but there’s a huge spectrum of asexual experience and he may have some things in common with us. There are also forms of attraction that are not sexual–sensual, aesthetic, romantic, etc.–that some folks mistake for sexual because our society likes to pretend they’re all the same thing, but not everyone feels all of them. Some gay folks might pressure other gay folks who are sex-repulsed, sex-reluctant, or sex-indifferent, claiming the only reason they feel that way is internalized homophobia, but that’s not always true either. In the “extras” section of my site, there is an “Asexual Resources” page that you can refer him to if you like, but also I know a guy who identifies as gay gray-asexual and is in a relationship with a man–he may have some especially relevant insights for your friend. Please see posts by Siggy on the Asexual Agenda (http://asexualagenda.wordpress.com/) and on his personal site, Skeptic’s Play (http://skepticsplay.blogspot.com/)–he has an lgbta tag.

  2. I’m 61, male, married 27 years (second time). I’ve had no sex or any other physical intimacy for eleven years. My wife told me one day she didn’t like sex and never wanted it again. Or any spooning or hugging. It wasn’t surprising. Just seemed like that’s where we were headed anyway. We had lots of loving sex for about 10 years. She then split time between both coasts for the next 20 years. Halfway through those years, I began a battle with a terminal illness. It nearly killed me recently but I woke up on the bright side of the street with unbridled enthusiasm and a genuine “natural high.” Every day I gain physical strength and flexibility, along with mental and emotional clarity. I don’t know how long this honeymoon will last, but reading about asexuality has perked my interest as I prepare for the final years. I had planned to tell my counselor tomorrow that I have resolved myself to a celibate lifestyle. I’m totally happy with my life. I’m torn, though, about the love and friendship aspects and the fact I have been deeply in love with two men; one with sex, the other without. For women, the number with sex was staggering until my early 30’s. After that, I convinced myself I needed love to make sex work. I headed toward meaningless sex on may occasions during the second half of my life but always backed off. Tomorrow, I ask my counselor what she thinks about asexuality. I have the book in my Amazon shopping cart.

    • Thanks very much for sharing your experience and checking out the book. People come to identify as asexual by a variety of paths and for a number of reasons, and I think the most important thing is listening and respecting rather than finding reasons to condemn and dismiss. You’re doing a wonderful thing here. I wish you the best on all of your journeys. 🙂

  3. Hi Julie, as a father of 5 children in my mid-40s, one might least expect me to “turn asexual”, especially myself, after decades of sexual activity, which I actively sought and enjoyed.

    However, in the last solid 3 years, I have realized that sex is not in my mind, it’s like a switch was turned on (or off) genetically, and I have zero interest in sex. I’m still “macho”, work out, feel hormones are ok (they were last time I checked), and know that none of this has to do with bored marriage life, being tired, or raising kids–because I used to have a sex drive despite everything around me. I recognize that humans with sex drives will have sex anywhere and under any circumstances frankly, so it’s not middle age or married life.

    I simply have moved on, to other things. As I continue to be a father (kids ages 4 to 18), and work out, get my masters and follow my religion, I simply have no care in the world for sex, with my wife or anyone. (She seems asexual too, and it works for us).

    Thank you for pointing out that people can be sexual at one point in their lives, then asexual. I have no idea if I will return to “sexuality”, but true to being asexual, it doesn’t matter to me at all. I feel liberated and happy to be who I am. I don’t shame sex, my past sexual activity, or anyone’s interest in sex, but I will say, I believe, culturally, asexuality has lifted a lot of burden off me (emotionally, physically, time-management). Even for a married guy. It’s one less thing to deal with (miscommunication, timing, pleasing her, etc).

    Anyhow…thanks and know their are many of us out there. To other men reading this, even those who are married, with kids, you are not alone. And you are not “weird”, just another minority of all the diversity on earth.

    • Glad to hear from you–and I’m sure some other men in a similar situation who might feel emasculated or confused about feeling that way will appreciate your perspective! Good on you for not trying to force yourself to pursue something just because society tells you it’s part of being a man!

    • Hey,

      I know another couple like you, they’re both in their early 30’s but met each other on AVEN (the primary website for asexual people with many message boards..) and then married. Both have a very happy loving, spiritual marriage and have sex on occassion but identify as asexual. I think they mainly have sex because of the cited physical and emotional benefits of it (hormones, serotonin release, etc.) but they don’t crave it. They don’t hate it but don’t need or love it either.

      I myself had the opposite happen to you.. I just turned 30, and up until I was 28, I never really had any interest in sex or a sex drive. This was really tough for me because an attractive girl in her 20s is SUPPOSED to want sex, and be sexual and I suffered honestly a lot of psychological issues as a result of this… I forced myself to have sex with people just to experience it, so I wouldn’t feel so “abnormal” and weird, but I lost my virginity at a late age. There’s other things that may complicate the story (I had a lot of fears/anxieties about sex despite not being raped) so that played into it. But basically in my first long-term relationship I craved sex a LOT and realized I was demisexual/grey-A… I only crave sex when I’m dating someone. But it’s really rare I will experience sexual attraction to someone as well, although I think now that I’ve gained confidence and my anxieties have gone away, it’s perhaps a bit less rare. That said, I’ve rarely had a desire to masturbate in my life, so that hasn’t changed lol…

      Sorry if this is TMI, just wanted to tell my story too I suppose 🙂 Hope this was helpful to you. I personally don’t see it as problematic — it’s only if your wife starts to want sex again that it could be. Also question if this is reflective of anything that has changed in the relationship itself.

  4. Hi Julie, I’m 19 years old and ever since i started high school and now left after graduating last year. i was in two relationships, one didn’t last long but my second went for 2 years and half while dating this girl, i didn’t have any sexual attraction to her, only romantic ones and she’d keep on pressuring me to try sex but it was something i wasn’t interested in and we argue about me not being interested sexually and now aren’t together anymore. My friends reckon I’m gay for not having sex but after reading your interview with salon do u reckon I’m asexual because when ever my friends asks me if i had sex yet and say no then they joke but i don’t find it funny.

    So in that sense how could i cope with this if I’m asexual?


    • It’s definitely possible you’re asexual, and dealing with friends harassing you for it is never easy. I don’t know if you’re willing to disclose being asexual, but you could tell them it’s a real thing and if they start shaming you or joking about it you can act surprised that they’re so ignorant and tell them to do some responsible research because seriously, 1 in 100 people is asexual, they should be respectful about it because they’re going to meet us sometimes. But if you’re not comfortable telling them you’re asexual or you’re not sure you are, you might prefer to just say something like “I’ve never been into someone that way and I’m fine with that for now, it has nothing to do with me if you’re obsessed with labeling people gay,” or something like that. For the record, “No, you’re probably just gay” is the third most common thing I hear, only behind “you must have just gotten out of a bad relationship” and “you just haven’t met the right person.” There are more videos about handling detractors and dealing with disclosing asexual identity on my YouTube channel (in the “extras” section under “resources” if you want to see them).

    • It’s also good to keep in mind that sexuality is a very fluid thing… I was asexual or maybe demisexual up until I was 28, never really craved sex with any of the guys I dated (which was rare in itself since I wasn’t physically attracted to many guys, unfortunately.) I really put myself down for this, and this was a few years ago when there weren’t as many resources on asexuality as there is now… I had no idea and blamed myself for not being able to find a partner. Finally, at 28 ,I did start to crave sex when I was in a relationship with someone and even had more of a sex drive than him! I think having so many anxieties about sex at an early age really prevented me from wanting to enjoy it. I lost my v-card at a later age too (mid-20s) and didn’t enjoy it…

      Anyway, now I do crave sex/have a normal sex drive and am 30. So things can change. That said, I still don’t totally identify as ‘sexual’ because I don’t really crave sex unless I’m with someone (i.e. I never masturbate). I’m ‘demisexual or grey-A’ in asexual terminology. It’s comforting for me to know I can have a normal sex drive in relationships but there’s still some issues I experience. For you, I would just recommend being honest with your partner and say it’s not a reflection of them.. you’ve always been like this and just don’t really crave sex that much (or at all.)

  5. Thank you for the article on asexuality! I’m 27, and though I tried to “date” in high school, I wasn’t interested in sex. I, too, am glad to be the unmarried aunt to my niece, and it’s just so great to see more positive material out there so others can see that it’s ok to be one’s self. That asexuals aren’t broken. That we can have complex and sophisticated relationships with or without sex. So thank you, thank you, thank you!

    • That’s wonderful to hear. Sounds like we have a lot in common except I’m the aunt to a nephew. 🙂 I’ve written a lot of stuff about valid and fulfilling lifestyles and relationships in my asexuality book that recently came out, too. People seem to have a hard time getting their heads around the idea that we’re not necessarily sad and lonely.

    • It’s also good to keep in mind that sexuality is a very fluid thing… I was asexual or maybe demisexual up until I was 28, never really craved sex with any of the guys I dated (which was rare in itself since I wasn’t physically attracted to many guys, unfortunately.) I really put myself down for this, and this was a few years ago when there weren’t as many resources on asexuality as there is now… I had no idea and blamed myself for not being able to find a partner. Finally, at 28 ,I did start to crave sex when I was in a relationship with someone and even had more of a sex drive than him! I think having so many anxieties about sex at an early age really prevented me from wanting to enjoy it. I lost my v-card at a later age too (mid-20s) and didn’t enjoy it…

      Anyway, now I do crave sex/have a normal sex drive and am 30. So things can change. That said, I still don’t totally identify as ‘sexual’ because I don’t really crave sex unless I’m with someone (i.e. I never masturbate). I’m ‘demisexual or grey-A’ in asexual terminology. It’s comforting for me to know I can have a normal sex drive in relationships but there’s still some issues I experience. For you, I would just recommend being honest with your partner and say it’s not a reflection of them.. you’ve always been like this and just don’t really crave sex that much (or at all.)

  6. Hi Julie, I’m 14 years old and I was just trying to find some answers on how I’ve been feeling and I stumbled upon your article on salon. I know I’m young but I related so well to it on pretty much everything on there. I want to tell my friends on how I’m feeling but I’m afraid that they won’t understand, especially because I have never acted like I’m asexual to keep with the norm. How would I tell my friends on how I’m feeling and what do I do if they don’t understand?

  7. Namaste Julie.i am going to write a self help book and i like to get it published by a good publishing company. ..its my passion.but i dont know even the basics of how book publishing works.can you plz help me by providing your valuable suggestions.
    In gratitude

    • Any work you submit to publishers will need to have better editing than this comment, first of all (more than a dozen errors in one short comment suggests you might have a long way to go with cleaning up the language in your final product), but if your book is polished, you might find a good overview of how to approach mainstream publishing at the video I made here.


  9. Dear Julie,

    I just found your article on everydayfeminism.com and I am already a fan. I don’t know if I’ll find your book in India, but am looking around.

    I am 20 years old and identify as an asexual gray-romantic female. I had a couple of questions, and I’d be highly obliged if you revert:

    -Is the divide between romance and sex, in your opinion, an artificial, arbitrary one? As in, can sex and romance intersect seamlessly?

    – I have experienced attraction to men/ boys. The problem though is that I have never envisaged a sexual future with them, nor even the quintessential ideas of hetero-normative romance. Perhaps I seek friendly companionship, but I have imagined people as ‘partners’, a term I am yet to unpack. I feel highly confused.

    -I have never masturbated. I don’t think I am aware of the anatomy of my vagina either, like the clitoris, and erogenous zones, apart from the academic stuff that my mother (a gynaecologist) seems to be talking about. I’d like to know your thoughts on asexuals and masturbation, given the fact that asexuality is a variegated landscape itself.

    -How important is the inclusion of asexuality in the ‘queer’/ LGBTQIAP+ collective? Is the experience of ‘coming out’ or being gender non-conforming crucial to the asexual experience? I ask this because as a woman who is most likely gray (hetero) romantic (though I don’t believe in the rigidity of gender binaries), I recognize that politico-sexually, I have more privilege than say, a trans-person. I refrain from using the term ‘queer’, for the simple reason that I don’t feel like that my (a)sexual lived experience is worthy of the reclamative power of the term. I have never been marginalized/ ridiculed in the way that my queer (homosexual and homoromantic) friends have been.

    -Most importantly, I’d like to thank you for recovering asexuality from its invisibility, it gives young people like me a lot of hope. Warm regards and than you!

    • Thanks for checking out my work and I’m glad you enjoyed it. The book might be easier to find in eBook if finding a physical copy is difficult for you. Your questions:

      I think some people consider sex and sexual attraction part of how they tell whether they’re romantically attracted to someone, and that for other people, it’s not related at all. I think it’s highly individual.

      Your attraction to men/boys doesn’t have to be a romantic one. There are other forms of attraction, like aesthetic and friendly and sensual, and if you want a partner but you don’t feel like your partnership would ideally include sexual or romantic attraction, perhaps what you would prefer is a queerplatonic partner. We talk about that sometimes in aromantic-spectrum circles.

      Asexual people and masturbation: some do, some don’t, and I don’t think it’s particularly weird not to masturbate–there are plenty of non-asexual people who don’t. Some people will attack us over this if we don’t desire sex AND we don’t masturbate, but they’re just holding us to standards they don’t apply to other people so they can assign us a disorder because that makes more sense to them than trying to imagine what our lives are like.

      On queerness: I have on occasion identified as queer, and though I think it is VERY important to acknowledge others’ suffering, I don’t like the idea that queer identity depends entirely on who hates you and how they express their hatred. I think it’s a common misconception that only LGBT people can experience prejudice and discrimination because of their sexual orientation or gender identity, though it’s good for people with more privilege to recognize it and not use it to talk over or oppress others. The root of the problems asexual people and LGBT people experience is all about heteronormativity. We don’t necessarily suffer because we’re gay, but because we’re not straight. If someone else’s standard of being queer is that you’ve been harassed for your identity and had “queer” used at you as a slur, then yes, I have, but I find that when I say so, these folks who have a lot in common with me sometimes still deny that it could have happened. They do need to listen to us and we need to listen to them. LGBT spaces are uniquely qualified to understand problems that develop from not being straight. I think we are natural allies even in the places we don’t overlap.

      Thanks for the message.

      -Most importantly, I’d like to thank you for recovering asexuality from its invisibility, it gives young people like me a lot of hope. Warm regards and than you!

  10. Hi! I just read your article about asexuality. I haven’t ever felt sexually attracted to anyone, so I thought there was something really wrong with me. I’ve had several relationships and both have ended in frustration because I couldn’t force myself to feel anything. One year ago, I found myself in a relationship I didn’t want to be in (because I didn’t want people thinking there was something wrong with me) and he ended up taking advantage of me and raping me – because I didn’t want to have sex, ever, and he thought he could make me want it. If I ever had any desire whatsoever to have sex, that desire is nonexistent now. So not only do I not feel the need or desire to ever have sex, I think it’s bad and wrong now, too. Is this normal? Or should I seek help? Is it possible to make someone NOT asexual?

    Great article btw, and thanks 🙂

    • I’ve not heard about any options that can change someone’s sexual orientation, though you can and should pursue therapy if you feel it would help you with any problems you’re dealing with. So sorry to hear what happened to you–just goes to show you what compulsory sexuality will do in this society and why we need more messages about asexuality being okay. I believe it’s pretty normal to feel like sex is disgusting when it resulted in a terrible experience for you, and you don’t have to change how you feel about it, though being supportive of others’ consensual sexual experiences is usually a good idea, but you don’t need to feel any particular way about sex (for yourself) to be or become healthy and okay. I’m glad you liked the article but I don’t know which one you read. I’ve done quite a few!

  11. Congratulations on your book, I just came across the article in Salon and I was really glad to see a familiar face from AVEN back in the day. (when I was still active there )
    Best of luck to you 🙂

  12. Julie I self published my memoir on being an amateur astronomer for nearly 60 years. This was after wanting to be a professional and not having the ability to get the degrees needed. So I built my own observatory and did research work and got some work published along side the pros. My family did not even know what it was I did each night or the tough road I traveled. So I went the self publishing route for a few copies. On completion I also saw a story of never let a dream die coming through. I have started to submit to agents, but have only picked those that take snail mail. Most will not open an attachment of the first three chapters but want it in the body of the e-mail. Being an old timer I have no idea how to do this. Have any help for me! I am working on a second book on Cataclysmic Variable Stars, my field of research. A very tough field to break through. I am toying with a science fiction next based on my knowledge of astronomy.
    Thank you
    Jim Hannon.

    • Do you know how to copy and paste? You will need to highlight the text you want to send in the body of the e-mail, and then you will need to paste it. You can look up tutorials online of “how to cut and paste” if you need specifics–some visual illustrations exist online! It’s hard to find an agent who will take a book that’s already been self-published if it hasn’t been really successful, though. Good luck!

      • Thanks Julie, I have done copy and paste for other applications but not in MS Word. Not having much luck with it this way. I will keep trying and get some help from some friends who are good with computers. Yes I knew that a shelf published book would bee a tough sale, I have only submitted to a few agents just to start the process. One rejection and have not gotten a reply from one over a month now and one just sent about a week ago. I am thinking more in terms of my new book. That one will only see the light of day if I can get an agent. Thanks again, I really enjoy your site.

  13. Hi Julie,
    I’m what you would consider a minor (14 to be exact) and I’ve never had any emotion of affection for anyone. I thought at first it was because I never clicked with the guys i got close to, but I found myself lying to myself over it being the guy. I had to ask myself did I seriously though it was the gut that was wrong, or me? I always told myself I didn’t like the guys personality or trait, but I realized it wasn’t that. The guys were great ,and now I’ve just got a bunch of great guy friends who i can laugh with like we are normal friends, but with everyone of my close friends crushing and dating other people, I started to question myself. I had a horrible moment when I realized I didn’t even feel attracted to guys, not even the movie stars everyone loves. I then thought maybe I’m into girls, but that was a bust too since I didn’t see their appeal. I started to thing I had serious problems because A)At this point majority of my grade has had a first date and I haven’t B)Majority of my grade have had their first kiss and I hadn’t & C)I had guys that wanted to ask me out but I didn’t want to go since I would feel like I was lying to them. For awhile I thought I was a complete freak and my friends thought I was lying about not liking anyone.

    A little back story here as I have been a big supporter of LGBT since a lot of my friends are L, B & T but it was on e of my close friends who showed me all the other sexual areas, and I found myself feel a whole new world when I saw Asexual. I searched up everything I could on it and I found you and since then I’ve felt so much more comfortable in my own skin because of your open heart to help others understand their own sexual (or in this case NON-sexual) feelings.

    God I ranted about this for awhile, but I now ask you one final question, I don’t want to date, but people look at me strangely when I say I haven’t been actively dating and its what everyone my age is doing so do I just ignore them and do my own thing, or should I date little to make people think I the same.

    You’ve inspired me a lot and I can’t wait to read your book.

    Ellabeth H.

    • I think you should only date if you personally want to date. If there’s something about a person that makes you want to date them, or you just honestly want the experience, you can always try it, but from experience, it doesn’t really help to date people because you’re expected to. I did the exact same thing when I was your age–first boyfriend at 14, and dated again when I was older because I was pressured to and told I “couldn’t know” without trying it. The desire to do it has to come from you. Sadly, doing it to be able to say you tried doesn’t work, ’cause they’ll keep saying you have to keep giving it a chance until you want something they’re familiar with. If you’re asexual and aromantic, that’s just how you are, and like you seem to have discovered, it’s plenty possible to be happy like that! So glad you found something to describe you at a young age. I wish there’d been an Internet community and resources when I was a teen.

  14. Hi Julie, I finished Introduction to Asexuality a few days ago. (Kindle edition) I enjoyed it a lot. It was very well-written – informative, accessible. It helped me understand what asexuality is. I am writing to you because I have made a movie (a feature film) with and about a woman who felt she was dealing with her sexual dysfunction. The film is a drama that relies heavily on documentary elements. Cris plays herself in a film that is an extension of her life. She has written 17 books, many of them dealing with her sexual dysfunction. I think it was during the preproduction that she began to think she was asexual. I have been researching extensively and I am now sure she is correct. It is kind of amazing to see how her story unfolds in the film and then to read your book and to see how closely they match. We didn’t plan to make an asexual film, but we did.
    I think this movie will be of great interest to asexual people and can do a lot to educating the public about asexuality. I’d like to get in touch with you, to show you the movie and to get your comments. We are in the late stage of editing, so there is time to make changes. My email is frank@vitaleproductions.com.
    Yours, Frank Vitale

  15. I just stumbled across one of your articles. I have felt attraction in my life, but not sexual attraction very often. I am 51, and I can think of only 2 times I ever felt sexual with anyone. It is tough when society is so focused on something I cannot feel or relate to. It really is comforting to know that there are lots of others out there who simply don’t feel it or desire it.

    • Great to see you found something to relate to! I’ve heard some people who feel sexual attraction rarely describe themselves as “graysexual,” or if they only develop sexual attraction to people if they have already gotten to know them, sometimes they call themselves “demisexual.” Or some of them just prefer to say “asexual,” which works fine since both graysexual and demisexual are on the asexual spectrum. I know labels aren’t important to everyone, but sometimes it can be helpful to figure out what to call yourself, and find others who feel the same. 🙂

  16. Hello Julie.
    I’ve not really spoken to anyone about my situation, except wit my partner on occasion. You see, going back to my teens and through my mid-30’s, I was an undiagnosed bipolar who thrived on conquests….be that stealing, conning dr’s into giving prescriptions they would have never done normally, and last but not least, a complete and total need to sleep with anyone and everyone possible. After about 25 years now, I’ve slept with over 5000 men…and not without its consequences…as I’m now HIV+. My new loving partner, also HIV+, encouraged me to see a specialist and get treated. End result, positive when tested for bipolar disorder, severe socialized anxiety disorder, severe depression. Now I’m on a whole slew of medication. Of course my bipolar is now under control with a very unfortunate outcome. I went from being a total slut, to 99.9% celibate with absolutely no desire for sex! My partner says he understands, but I’m not so sure. Of course I masturbate into the shower just to take care of business…as the dr recommended. Which is ok, cuz even though I stil can’t maintain an erection, I can still get “it over with” in less than 2 min. Sometimes I feel guilty, but it’s not for sexual pleasure, just for health reasons, and I pretty much feel gross and unsattisfied after. Just how normal is this for guys in my situation? Because I’m really tired of friends and family automatically writing off our relationship if we’re not having sex. Even though we’ve now been together for 5 years and have had sex about 3x in as many years. Feeling like there is something wrong with me.

    • Your relationship doesn’t have to include sex to be romantic or satisfying. It does sound like the medication for your conditions is affecting your libido, and I’m sure it can be frustrating–especially if sex was a significant part of your life and your partner’s life before your medication killed your sex drive. The important thing is doing what is healthiest for you, and people put such a HUGE spotlight on sex as if it’s the cornerstone of any and all important romantic relationships. (Sex certainly is present in plenty of relationships that fail, so it’s not like it’s the glue that holds relationships together!) I think it’s more important that you’re stable and fulfilled to the best of your ability. It’s okay to acknowledge that your medical situation is affecting how you think about sex and still have this be the way you go forward. There are also plenty of ways to make your relationship special and intimate without necessarily requiring sex more than you want it. If you want to look at some of my videos about asexual relationships, some of the advice I discuss might be applicable to your situation regardless of whether “asexual” is the right way to describe it.

  17. Dear Julie,
    Have you considered having your book translated into Spanish? I am interested in doing that for personal reasons, not professional reasons, although I am a full fledged conference interpreter and translator. My wife is asexual, we’ve been together for 38 years, I have never managed to get her to read a single line about asexuality, although she reads a lot on many other topics. Maybe she would if she knew I am the translator of your book… I would of course send you a resume so that you know who you would be dealing with… Thanks! I live in Argentina

    • Sorry, the book is not a self-published title that I can grant rights to third parties with. Authors who sell their books through established publishers don’t get to decide if their titles are translated and who they get translated by; those rights are handled by my publisher, Skyhorse Publishing.

  18. Hi Julie,
    My daughter recently told me she thinks she is asexual after having attempted to identify as gay for the last couple of years. I had never heard of asexuality as being an orientation. I did a google search of books on the subject and found yours. I bought it and immediately started reading it to see if the things my daughter had told me about herself are common feelings with asexuals. (Initially I was concerned that there is something wrong with her, but realize now, that’s not likely the case.) I’m only in Part 2, but have ordered another book for my daughter. I think she will really benefit from it. It is wonderful. You are a gifted writer and have an amazing ability to explain things. Thank you for being so open with your life and for doing so much research on the topic! Everyone needs to read your book!

  19. I am writing a screen play and a beautiful character in my story is LUCINDA who is asexual. I desire to communicate with Sondra, so that I can run a few things past her in terms of the reality of what I am writing.

  20. Hi Julie I just wanted to say that I like the fact that you are open to your sexuality. I know what it is like to be picked on because you do not date nor are not (or never) married or even have kids, as I am 53 and single, never married, nor been in a serious relationship.

    Anyway, I have for a long time been feeling I am asexual and for the longest time I have lost interest in sex. I see women (or others) and do not have the urge nor fantasize about wanting to be with them. I have become quite comfortable being alone and do not feel lonely at all. I see others for the people they are and not what they are. I even do not wish to get too close. I also believe I have Autism, but not sure because I grew up in the 70’s when no one knew what the social spectrum was and now most doctors won’t even diagnose adults for it. Most say what for as antidepressants are out there to help ease the pain and discomfort.

    My question to you is Autism and Asexual related? Is the desire to be alone as an Autistic individual which is part of the spectrum considered to be Asexual or just an Asexual tendency brought on by the disorder.

    • Everyone has a different experience with the intersections of their variations–and I’ve certainly heard some people who are both autistic and asexual say that they thought the two variations were related, while other people who are both think they’re NOT related. I think it’s fine to come to your own conclusions depending on how you think they interact, but just keep in mind everyone’s sexual orientation is affected somehow by their mental state, and it’s never as simple as “you being autistic causes asexuality for you” or “you being asexual is part of being autistic for you.” The important thing is acknowledging that the two do not always occur together (i.e., being asexual does not mean you must be autistic, and being autistic does not mean you must be asexual), but for those for whom they do coexist, it’s just all part of who you are. Somebody else might come to a completely different conclusion and also be right about themselves. But identity is complicated for everyone, so it’s not surprising for you to have many questions about how things might be related!

  21. Hey, can I get your e-mail adress? I’m very confused 20-year-old girl, who really need some answers. Hope to get in touch with you soon 🙂

  22. Dear Julie:
    Many thanks for the excellent body of content and research that went into your wonderful book titled “The Invisible Orientation”. At the age of 80, I wish the book had been published way back when I was a teenager struggling to figure out why I was somewhat different than my peers.
    Your book has answered all of my questions and then some. Thanks again for the tremendous contribution you have made to the asexual community.

    • Such a wonderful comment to receive! Thank you for speaking up and letting me know it made a difference! I understand what you mean about wishing resources had been available when you were younger. We’ll probably never know how many people lived their whole lives never getting to know, and I hope that’s changed for good now.

  23. I’ve only just stumbled upon your book The Invisible Orientation while planning to start up therapy after many years. My husband and I have been married almost 30 yrs and at17 yrs into the marriage intimacy stopped. It wasn’t overnight, and neither of us, nor any one event is to blame. We started going to therapy, trying different modalities, and 5 yrs of exhaustive stagnation we stopped. All this time ( 13 yrs) I’ve been resentful, feeling neglected, lonely, blaming myself. I looked into plastic surgery to improve my looks, I did all the therapy homework, took communication classes, catered to his every need, removed most of his home life stressors to the point where I can micromanage an army if needed.
    This week I read your book, and I’m in tears.
    I need to get this into his hands. I don’t know how to ask him to read it, really read it.
    All these years I thought it was me, and that I’d pushed him away.
    This definitely solidifies my direction in vetting a therapist. I have a huge weight to unload, expectations to let go of that I’d packed away, and I have a bunch of apologies to make.

    • Wow. That is huge in your life. So many layers and years of having no resources to help understand this. I hope that whatever does end up helping you both, you’re able to access it. Thank you for your message!

  24. Hi Julie,
    I wanted to thank you so much for all you do for the asexual community. My name is Rebecca and I’m ace and a student of veterinary medicine at UPenn. I’m currently writing a letter to the American Veterinary Medical Association to address a portion of their Brave Space certificate program that is meant to open up conversations about the queer veterinary experience. I was wondering if you’d be willing to share your thoughts on the idea that “A is also for Ally”? If not, I totally understand. Thanks again!!!

    • Allies are welcome to be supportive of queer people but they aren’t “members” of the community any more than white people become Black if they support racial equality. This isn’t to say their help isn’t appreciated and even necessary; they just also shouldn’t need to be considered part of the community before they will support us–and if they won’t support us without ally cookies, I have to wonder whether they actually believe in equality for us. Thankfully, most non-queer allies I’ve talked to fully recognize this because they aren’t there for selfish reasons and they recognize that they aren’t treated the way we are because of their orientation. That said, historically and currently, sometimes allies are explicitly included in certain groups and events, by design, and sometimes non-ace people who are other stripes of queer are ace allies, so it can be complicated. It depends on the context of how it is being used.

  25. Hi Julie,

    I hope you are well. I’m a journalist and I saw your post on Twitter regarding the stigma and misconceptions around being an Ace and I was actually working on a piece about this for Cosmopolitan and wanted to ask you if it would be possible to discuss it further. The piece will be a sensitive and respectfully written exploration of the subject. I think it is really important for issues such as this to be spoken about so other women know that they are not alone or not made to feel they have something wrong with them.
    Thank you very much.
    Warmest regards Alia

    • Hi Alia, commenting on my website isn’t a very fast way of getting ahold of me, I’m afraid, but feel free to reach out via the e-mail link or media section of my site if you’re still interested in discussing input you may want from me.

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